Dreary Visions in January

It’s a new year and I’m feeling really cooped up. I always get a touch of the winter blues as I’m a naturalist and love being outside in the warmer months.

Most of my articles are really optimistic and filled with hope, so I figure I should call this article what it is... a frustrated rant. If you’re feeling a little cabin feverish like I am feel free to read and rant along with me. If you’re feeling hopeful about the new year, please read on as well... I promise to find my positivity before the end of this article.

Reflection

I live in the midwest, so January is always extremely cold and dreary. Many of my days are spent inside staring out of our sliding glass windows craving sunnier days, greener grass, and the sounds of my kids laughing as they’re running around with their friends in the yard.

I don’t know why, but January always seems like a month jam-packed full of moments of reflection for me. In true Andrea fashion, I can’t just feel reflective on New Year’s Eve and Day.

It takes me an entire month to get my grasp on saying goodbye to one year and hello to another. To pass the time, I find myself intentionally keeping busy by writing, organizing, cleaning, and running the treadmill. There’s a whole lot of waiting impatiently for better weather so I can get outside, feel the sun on my skin, and just breathe.

Will this year be any different than last?

Things feel even heavier and more dreary this January as I sit in ponder about whether or not this new year really will bring the kind of sunnier days I’m longing for. We’re still smack dab in the middle of a frightening pandemic, so how could it?

It’s true that my attitude and perspective will definitely play a big role in our experiences this new year. But... I can’t help but wonder if sunnier days will even bring normalcy for me as they have always done in the past.

Heavy on my mind

I’m just going to go right ahead and throw this out on the table. 2020 brought some significant vision loss for me. I’m mad that I’m noticeably losing my vision AND... I can’t go out and do the things I want to do while I can still see.

Yeah, I get it... everyone is suffering having to change the way they’re living life because of COVID. But selfishly I sometimes want to just scream to the pandemic gods to STOP THIS NONSENSE RIGHT NOW! Because right now is when my vision is as good as it will ever be again.

The pandemic isn’t just taking away my ability to go to concerts with my friends, take my children to amusement parks and movies, and sit at the Thanksgiving table with my aging parents. It’s taking away my ability to go do these things while I can still see. And that is heavy on my mind and heart right now.

Waiting impatiently

This year, I find myself waiting for proverbial sunnier days where I can get back out there with my family and experience the things we used to. Oh, and actually see it all, take it all in, and etch it into my memory. This is a hard truth and if anyone else is feeling this way I’m here to tell you that you’re allowed to have these difficult feelings. How could we not?

Gratitude

Are you ready for the positivity? If I’ve learned anything in the last year, it’s to be grateful and not waste my days in worry. Vision loss and COVID were not my only hardships in 2020 and I’m sure they weren’t your only hardships either.

However, 2020 wasn’t all bad. So so so SO much joy and goodness were brought to my life last year. And so many lessons were learned in spite of not being able to go to concerts, listen to my sons laugh with their friends, or sit at the Thanksgiving table with my extended family. Because of this joy and these lessons learned, I can’t forget that everything is always unfolding how its supposed to.

My future with vision loss

Needless to say, I have mixed feelings about 2020 because being grateful doesn’t take away the fact that it was more than just a year of lost experiences for those of us who are battling an eye disease. For us, this pandemic often threatens to steal BOTH our present and our future.

For me, it was the most difficult and most beautiful year of my life wrapped up in one messy and beautiful rotation around the sun. I’m having even more mixed feelings about 2021. But hey, it’s still just January. Anything can happen!

I bet if we all think hard enough, we will be able to find the joy in all of our days in this upcoming new year. Cheers to accepting our hard days and being hopeful for better ones.