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Looking Over My Shoulder

I am certain I am not alone in this; I cannot possibly be the only one out there thinking like this. Living life with myopic macular degeneration, at times, does not even cross my mind.

My day-to-day life centers around living the life of retirement. The days seem to move faster and faster as each year goes by. My Mom always said, "The older you get, the faster life moves." She is right.

Filling my days with friends and fun

Having reached the ages that my husband and I are, there are typical appointments for checkups, dental cleaning and dental procedures, and chiropractic adjustments, just to name a few. For myself, I have lunch dates with various groups of girlfriends, church meetings, Bible study classes, visits with family near and far, and Bunco games to be enjoyed. All of these really are great excuses to visit with good friends.

I fill my days with murder mystery books and evenings with creating art — any kind of art. My life is moving right along rather quickly.

The goal is to hold on to what I have

While all of these activities are swirling around my days, I still am figuratively on alert. I am constantly verifying that, visually, all is well. Nothing has changed. I am still able to see clearly, or at least as clearly as I can with MMD. The ultimate goal is for me to maintain where I am with my vision, at least. I cannot regain what has been lost, but holding onto what I have is my goal.

Through all of this, I find myself looking over my shoulder with a fugitive glance, thinking that I may be seeing changes, like a sneaky shadow moving just beyond me peripherally. Are the lines of the Amsler grid still the same? It is a difficult assessment each time.

Is my vision the same, better, or worse?

I find it comparable to a visit with my optometrist. Especially during the part of the exam when you are asked, "Which view is better: 1 or 2... 2 or 3?" There are times that it feels as though you honestly do not know which is better or which is worse. Is it the same, different, better, or worse?

I find myself truly trying to commit to solidly remembering whether the Amsler grid looks the same or if there are any changes in what I see. The true goal is that everything stays the same.

Putting the shadowy villain to rest for another day

Yes, I am constantly "looking over my shoulder," being hyperaware of what is happening with my vision. It is my dread of the unknown, of what could be lurking just behind me. Just like a shadowy villain stealing up behind me, changes in my vision are a constant worry. Not in a crippling, paralyzing way, but in an educated, self-aware way.

Just knowing what to be on the lookout for, recognizing that even slight changes on the Amsler grid can potentially be a situation that needs checking into. Verifying that I am seeing my world today the same way I saw it yesterday. Putting that shadowy villain that lurks over my shoulder to rest for another day.

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