Pity Party

I am throwing myself a pity party. Do you want to come? I need people to feel sorry for me. I can feel sorry for you, too, if you want.

I am sick and tired of doing everything I can think of to keep in life and still having people, the world, whatever, trying to push me back into the role of miserable, old blind woman! What is wrong with these people??? Why do I have to fight so hard?

Changes in routine

Before age-related macular degeneration (AMD) caused me to be legally blind and threw a monkey wrench into the works, I had a good life. I took myself on "adventures”, visited friends, and went to the gym 4 or 5 times a week.

Transportation woes

After age-related macular degeneration, I made the decision not to endanger people, myself included. I stopped driving on the spot.

At first, I had the local transit company to fall back on. The service was often questionable. I got there early and had to stay late. Other things were wrong but the times were sort of decent.

Their hours ended at 7 pm Monday through Friday. There were even Saturday hours. It was not perfect but I could make it work.

Complications of COVID

Then came COVID. The gym closed and the transit company was doing only medical appointment trips. After a few weeks, the exercise class instructors took it upon themselves to go on Zoom. The streaming was not great, but they were trying and we were all in it together.

After a while, the gym got their own Zoom. It worked fairly well. Not too many glitches. It was good enough for pandemic time.

I have complained about this before but I am doing it again. When the gym opened up, the transit company got new hours. They started turning into a pumpkin at 4 pm.

They also dropped all Saturday rides. This was a problem for me because I work all day and want to run in the evening and weekends. Apparently this is unacceptable behavior for old, blind ladies!

Working to adapt

I tried to make do. I continued on Zoom for 3 or 4 classes a week. A couple of times a week, I would catch a ride with an instructor. No harm. No foul. It worked.

The problem started when their Wi-Fi got, well... crappy. I complained. I complained. And yet again I complained. How could I exercise if the video feed was stuttering and freezing and the audio was non-existent?

The problems really came today when they discovered I have been getting rides with instructors. Can’t do that! Liability! I hope he enjoyed making an old woman cry.

Searching for a new normal

I don’t know about you, but since I developed this condition, I have been fighting to salvage my life. I have been fighting to save ME.

I am highly social. I love the novel, especially when it has a touch of adventure involved. I am moderately athletic. I have tried to adapt and play by everyone else’s rules. Loosing my ability to get out and DO pretty much rips my heart out.

Why can’t these people see what I need? Why can’t they see how hard I am trying to maintain a life of quality? Why can’t they help... or at least not forbid others from helping?

Pity party

Ok, so I told you this was a pity party. I am feeling EXTREMELY sorry for myself. I am feeling wronged and – if I actually thought life was meant to be fair – I would be wailing about how unfair this all is.

In truth, since I have been down and miserable today, I have had 3, sincere offers of help. With the cancellation of my rides, I also got a promise they would try to fix the Wi-Fi.

Yeah; right.

My latest idea

Today’s events also gave me motivation to put my latest “brain sprinkle” into action. I called the local college about enlisting a student to go on adventures with me. Maybe rides to the gym. I could pay his membership.

Their automatic answering system drove me crazy, of course. Not knowing what department college kid rentals would come under, I got kicked around until I took matters into my own hands. I called the president’s office. When in doubt, go to the top.

The battle continues

So, yes, down but not out. I am too stubborn to lie down and die. I am not ready to let myself go yet. The life the world seems to be pushing me into as an older person with AMD feels like it would kill my soul.

I still wonder, though. What does it feel like to make an old, blind lady cry?